Why Your Team Sucks 2. Cincinnati Bengals. Some people are fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cincinnati Bengals.

This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Cincinnati Bengals. Those towels are stronger than you think. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 6- 9- 1.

Tomorrow is Lipstick Day and M.A.C. is giving away free full tubes of the stuff to celebrate. You don’t have to buy anything, just show up at one of their U.S.

Congrats, Bengals! For the first time in six years, you did NOT lose in the Wild Card round of the playoffs. Watch Pokemon Black And White Season 1. Galactic leap forward. But if you’re a Bengals fan still pining for the team’s signature touch of consistent nincompoopery, rest assured that Pacman Jones DID tell a cop to suck his dick this offseason.

The stability warms my heart. Also, the Bengals had the distinction of subjecting British fans to their first- ever tie game. Thanks, Mike Nugent!

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And the Ravens outsmarted them by committing double holding penalties to run out the clock on them. When you want to test out a new, innovative, possibly extralegal way to humiliate an opponent, you do it against the Bengals. Your coach: Marvin Lewis. Again. Hey, guess who doesn’t like the new celebration rules?“I’m not for that at all,” Lewis, who is on the NFL Competition Committee, said of the change. We had a good standard, and the whole standard has always been, you want to teach people how to play the game the correct way and go about it the correct way, and that’s not a very good example for young people.” My man, somehow I doubt celebrating will be much of a problem for you. Your quarterback: Andy Dalton. Again. Let’s see how Andy fared without support from wideouts Marvin Jones and Mohamed Sanu: Oh.

Well, that’s not good. Turns out the strategy of hucking every ball at A.

J. Green until his legs snap is a misguided one. From here on out, Andy Dalton will be the default comparison anytime a team is reluctantly wedded to a mediocre quarterback for a decade or more. He is an innings eater. Well, Kirk Cousins still throws horrible interceptions, but what are we gonna do? Start over? No, I’m afraid we’ve been Daltoned.” What’s new that sucks: Joe Mixon! I should have known.

I should have known that the Bengals would be the team to suck it up and draft the ladypuncher. Asked how he looks, one Cincinnati staffer answered: “Like a beast.”I bet he does! He gets especially beasty if you happen to insult him at a deli. Keep in mind that this team was already in fine shape at running back with Gio Bernard and Jeremy Hill. And yet, those two just didn’t have the criminal panache that is requisite if you want to be a True Bengal. Here’s Mike Brown tying his tongue in a knot to defend Mixon: “He’s a young guy.

He turned 2. 1 [on Monday]. The incident that he was involved in was three years ago,” Brown said on Tuesday, via ESPN. He made a terrible mistake. He struck a young woman. He hurt her badly. It was a reflexive action in my mind, when I see the tape of it. I just think he acted without thought.

But it was a terrible result.”Oh, it was a reflexive action! Well then that makes it FINE. I’m using that from now on.

Officer, I’m so sorry I shot that street busker to death. But he started playing ‘Hotel California’ and I had a REFLEXIVE ACTION. Terrible result!” What other result does Mike Brown expect from a face punch? Did he expect daisies to sprout out of the lady’s nose when it happened? What in the living fuck, Mike?

Mixon and John Ross were added to help offset the skill position losses that crippled Dalton a season ago. Meanwhile, the offensive line has completely fallen apart to the point where they had to bring Andre Smith’s tits back just to patch up the holes. Defensively, they signed the guy the Panthers cut after Julio Jones roasted him for 3.

Good thing the Steelers don’t have a fleet of speedy and dangerous wideouts who could take advantage of such defensive liabilities! One of their former players took his dick out in church parking lot. What has always sucked: Bored with cripplingopposing players, linebacker and Big Fan Of The Principal’s Office Candy Dish Vontaze Burfict has taken up the fun habit of cheap- shotting his own teammates: Well now, how can you blame this poor wayward soul for the REFLEXIVE ACTION of knee- diving during a non- contact drill? That’s just hard- nosed football, far as I’m concerned. Anyway, your 2. 01. Bengals are pretty much the same as every Bengals outfit this decade.

They’ve got enough talented players to get back to the playoffs and lose in the Wild Card round again. Dalton is inconsistent. Marvin is a clueless goober. Burfict is a shitbag. And presiding over all of it is Mike Brown, a man so cheap he makes Bud Selig look like Rick Ross. Brown wrote an open letter to fans last month, apparently unaware that virtually every Bengals fan is waiting for him to die. Here are a few of the highlights: Since we were formed in 1.

Nippert Stadium, then at Riverfront Stadium, and now at Paul Brown Stadium. Your asshole stadium took money from schools.

Also, I had no idea they once played in a joint called Nippert Stadium. THE BIG NIP. Memories of our first 4. So true. Like the time Chris Henry fell off a truck and died. You have shown us the way to six playoff appearances in the past eight years, including three AFC North division crowns. That did happen. I wonder what happened after they made the playoffs!

Do you know the worst part of all this? For all of Mike Brown’s scumbaggery—from looting local coffers to surreptitiously bribing local aldermen to drafting the Joe Mixons of the world to skimping on hiring a formal scouting department—he still gets fawning knobjobs like this one from the local press.

Mike fought to bring this football family into existence for his father. He professes a unique pride in keeping it a family business all these years.

Many others across the league have failed, whether due to finances or in- fighting. God man, FUCK YOU. This is a billion- dollar franchise and you’re treating it like Uncle Pappy’s General Store? DIE. The guy who wrote this tripe goes on to list all the “family- owned” NFL teams, like they belong in the Smithsonian. That list (Fords, Browns, Mc.

Caskeys, Bidwills, Davises) reads like a case for upping the estate tax to 1,0. Mike Brown is a loser who inherited his team from his old man and hasn’t won a goddamn thing. The man constantly whines about playing in a small market and wants the big boys to share with him even as he makes absolutely no effort to generate any local revenue.

He is a liver- spotted turd. But in the NFL’s orbit, his deathly grip over this franchise is treated as some kind of wistful throwback. Yes, in an age of smartphones and self- driven cars, thank God some things remain constant, like MIKE FUCKING BROWN still being a rich old asshole who deserves to rot on a street corner for time eternity. Xena Warrior Princess Season 4 Episode 7. Real heartwarming stuff.

The repo man should have visited this franchise three decades ago. Did you know? Cincinnati is a more hideous Cleveland? Even Ohio doesn’t REALLY want you, Cincy. Also, five U. S. presidents are from there: William Howard Taft, Rutherford B.

Hayes, Ulysses S. Grant, William Henry Harrison, and Benjamin Harrison. That reads a list of contenders vying to be the second- worst President in history. What might not suck: Those four games a year where Tyler Eifert isn’t hurt? MAGIC. Also, I can’t hate on your 2. Beats Skyline any day.

HEAR IT FROM BENGALS FANS! Michael: I once saw Mike Brown at a First Watch restaurant.

He ordered a bowl of soup and asked the server specifically if crackers were extra. Brendan: Mike Brown runs his organization as a hybrid of a 1.

He’s like if you turned Jerry Jones inside- out. Dave: Marvin Lewis makes me wish I had more middle fingers. Michael: The Cincinnati Bengals are not worth your time anymore.

Mike: Mark Twain properly defined Cincinnati as always being 1. Our play- calling in clutch moments seems to be holding dearly onto that idea. Zach: They’re apparently cool with Pacman being a mentor to Mixon. Jon: The Bengals haven’t won a playoff game since Odell Beckham Jr.